We have deep voices

Reflecting on my mother and my sister..

Three generations of women in my immediate family. All are strong and all have deep voices. She has a sense of humor that is witty, jovial, and raw. Cross her, and you will never remember the sound of her laugh. Cross her and a sternness, a deep burrowing voice, a tongue sharper than any blade, will bring you to a new reality.  You will come to understand that you should never underestimate her kindness, her laugh, her tears, or the deepness of her voice.

When a woman loves a man... Billlie Holiday

"Tell her she's a fool, and she'll say I know.. But I love him so. And that's how it goes when a woman loves a man" - Billie Holiday

I think my love with you is obsessive and sometimes ridiculous. It's a grace undeserved- the same that is bestowed upon us by God. In a way, I want you to love me the way God wants us to love him. Here is God, giving me free will, the room to choose to do what is best for myself, yet I continue to go the wrong way. And still, God is saying, "I haven't given up on you- on us! I have not given up on the potential we have together. Please, get to know me and I promise I can change your life- for the better!"

Funny because I don't trust anyone, not you or God. That's the bottom line. How can I trust God if I don't try to get to know him? The sad part is that in many ways, I blame God for the bad things that have happened to me- yet these were things (in some cases) that I allowed. At least, the things that have hurt me the most have stemmed from situations I put myself in. No, no one deserves to be cheated on. Yes, I have been on both sides of this coin and do believe it possible to truly be in love with someone, but so unhappy and insecure that you find that solace in another lover. It's not right, but it happens.

Why am I torturing myself? Why am I lying to my family and friends and God and myself?

The truth is that no man will love me if I do not love myself. The truth is that if a man can get your love, your sex, your money, and your time for free, he will. Why would anyone turn something good and free down?

But is this really better than being alone? I mean, I feel alone all the time anyway. And when I am alone, I am tormented by the thought of your hurting me. I literally cannot sleep at night because I am so consumed by grief, worry, and fear of what may happen.  I don't want to trust you because I am afraid you will simply betray me again. I am a good person, but I cannot honestly say that you have valued me for what I am worth. I get no pleasure from saying these things, from telling you the truth about yourself. I only say them aloud because I need to hear myself speak about what is so painful.

I have to move on, and although I am still in love with you, I know it can never be- at least, not without some radical change.. changes no one is willing to make. I try to recall what it felt like to no longer be in love with the one before you. I went on for years, wrapped in my activities, thoughts, goals, job... and I simply didn't think about him until I had to on the weekends. I knew he was cheating on me, but instead of losing my cool (at least once I had reached the point of not caring anymore) I simply resolved to let it go as soon as I found a clean break.

School was that break for me. I see moving, at the very least, as that break for me again. I know I won't truly be able to get this out of my system until I am away from here and you. Strange, because you think the same about your "situation." I wonder if you still sleep with her knowing it won't truly end until you move away. I wonder if you use the same twisted logic to convince yourself that what you are doing is only temporary.

Somehow, I have to learn to trust God more than the empty promises you spew. I guess I just need someone to show me that I can be loved and loved well. I promise you, heavenly father, if you send me someone who loves you first, and who really loves me, even if we end only as friends-- I promise I will be the most grateful woman. My life is in shambles. I smile on the outside, but inside I am dark and crumbling. I want to know true love, a love where I am not dishonored. I want to know love that is real and sweet and caring and honest and kind and beautiful and intense.

I am not asking for too much. I am asking for what is mine! I am asking for what I deserve! I do not want your best. Your best is weak, lazy, and cowardly! I want what I deserve. I want my power to be honored. I want my wisdom to be honored. I want my love to be honored. I want my God-state to be honored!

Narrow is the gate.  So many go through the path widened and falsely sweetened. But narrow is the path, uncomfortable and tight, narrow is the path

The root of it all...

"It all has a root. And you've got to find that root to pluck it." For Colored Girls

I don't want to be sad anymore. I am so worried that my life will continue to repeat itself with the same lessons in a harsher fashion. I seem to be learning about what I don't want to happen, but not how to make it stop. I now understand what the root of my problems are, and yet I continue to subject myself to misery- all this in the name of a few moments of pleasure? And pleasure for whom? Me, you suppose? Certainly not. Because I lay there with tears dripping from my eyes, mind racing about the displeasure of those above us, internally silent because my fear of disappointment, rejection, sabotage and revenge precludes me from taking pleasure in those moments. I lay there and pretend to reach a point that no human has ever been able to bring me to in that way. After, I can think only of the moment it this will end and the real will begin. Right now, I'm taking your advice: Fake it till you make it.

I am the root. I allow the pain. How do I pluck myself out of this?

Parenthood

"All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, and a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces. beyond repair." - Albom

Lately, mostly because of coincidence and the approaching holidays, I've thought a great deal about my parents, my family, and my future as a mother. I am afraid to break my children, if I am blessed to have any, into jagged little pieces...

I am imperfect, and my parenting will be too. I just want to be a better person for everyone.

If all went as it could...

I would have given birth today.

I also realize that today is my father's birthday.  He, by the way, called me last night to tell me that things did not go as he hoped they would for him either. He is currently at 1600 Hazen Street, East Elmhurst New York, 11370- Number: 1411018115.

If things had gone as they could have for us all... If we had all done the very best we could to make the very best decisions for ourselves...

To be honest, I am not dwelling on either of these unfortunate happenings in this life. Although I regret that things are not different, I have chosen to release the pain that once consumed me in relation to any of this.

No more pain.

Everything ain't all good, but everything ain't all bad either...

Today, I am finally beginning to let go. I am on the fringes of knowing what it means to have no expectations of you. Knowing what it means to not care if you call or lie to me. Knowing what it means to wish the best for you, and believe you will do your best in every moment, all without the feeling of disappointment when you fail.

If I could ever have the chance to understand God's mind-- a thought process so elevated that it could come up with something so complex as a star all the while crafting us in a manner that reminds us that we are made of the same stuff of stars... How special...

If feels good to approach this emotional freedom!

Feeling Lost...

For some reason, I feel so lost today. Maybe it's just the rainy weather and wind that's getting to me. Or maybe it's that I can't be with you.

Today, someone said, "You've been looking melancholy lately. Is everything ok?" I also got, "You look tired."

I believe I have the look of someone who is heartbroken in secret. I have to go through this on my own, and though I have the comfort of God surrounding me, I just can't feel it yet. I've got to draw closer to God, and He will draw closer to me-- I know. I need something right now. Just need something to get me through the days when they seem so long.

All I want is what I can't have. I have to let go. I don't know how.