Have I met you?

Have I met you already?

I wonder, sometimes, If I have already laid eyes on my husband. Does he know me yet? Have our paths crossed already? 

Maybe I saw him buying lunch at the Loose Goose Cafe. Maybe we walked by one another in Walmart. It's possible that he and I have attended a professional development meeting for work and that we even sat next to one another.

I wonder, sometimes, If I have seen him without truly seeing him... without actually knowing what our futures together will be.

I am grieving the loss of the greatest story never told. I am replaying "Broken-hearted Girl" in my mind and really feeling the lyrics. I don't want to discipline my heart or my body.  I just want to be with him.

Vindication

Vindicate: to set free; free from allegation or blame
Vindictive: disposed to seek revenge

Funny how the two words are nearly the same in spelling but represent two different things in the English language...

I want you to suffer. I want you to crumple down on your floor in a heap of tears and snot and pain and breathlessness so deep and powerful that all you see is the darkness hovering before your eyes. (Don't worry about me becoming jaded by what has happened, by what we've all done to one another- because I take some of the blame. Don't worry because I am. I am jaded. Ha.)

I want you to hurt. I want you to feel a grief so overwhelming that your one desire is to disappear from the face of the planet.

I want you to know what it feels like to want to crawl under a rock and die. Go down, down into a place so wretched that you know what it feels to want to exist no more- to be nothing!

I don't hate you- at least, not all of you. I hate those pieces of you that are spiteful, vindictive, and vengeful. I despise your petty nature and immaturity in matters of the heart and fairness.

All I want is for you to suffer in the same way that you have made me. But I wouldn't hurt you if I could.

"One day, [you'll] fall into your brew and take down some of the boys with you too. -Sade.

No room for pity

Today I am feeling down, but I have had reminder after reminder that there is so much for which I should be thankful. No, everything is not alright, but I am here. I am alive, with a place to sleep every night, enough money to put gas in my car and food on my plate. I am of sound mind and body. Though my heart is broken and my spirit is weak and confused, I am here.

I don't want to love anymore. I am afraid. I am so afraid to love you. I don't want to hurt anymore! But the pain is driving me now. It makes me stronger. Those hot tears dripping down my face are just a reminder of what had transpired and what will be no more. One day, I won't have to cry because someone who really loves me, really and truly loves me, will be here to wrap his arms around me and hold me tightly.

Today I feel like breaking down, and every little piece of me is holding on for dear life. All I want is some joy.

Pretty Wings

I should have showed you better nights, better times, better days...

Pretty Wings by Maxwell is playing in the background. It's one of those songs that rings with me on so many levels. On days like today, I miss Philly a lot. I miss how incredibly happy I was while a student at UPenn. I saw a young lady today who had on a bookbag.. She looked mature, like a UMass grad student. She was walking away from Barnes & Noble-- gave me the thought that she might have been studying moments prior. I know. I put a lot together from a 5 second passing with a random girl, but it all brought me back to Philly, and the first thought I had after she and I crossed paths was that I really want to be a student there again.

I need to be there.

Because here, there is nothing for my heart. I am trying to nourish my spirit, but some days, my heart isn't in it. God knows I am weak. God is protecting me from harm and temptation because he knows I am weak.   I need to change my ways, thinking...  Discipline my heart...

I have been waiting for something to change for so long; Now it's time for me to change things. New clothes. New make-up. New hair. New attitude. New outlook on life. Final step: New Location. Summer 2012 can't come fast enough.

Let things fall where they may

Sometimes I wonder why certain things happen to each of us... the negative, positive, unexpected... Things we just do not understand. I'm reflecting on how quickly things you have been given can be taken away. I am beginning to understand again, though, what it means to be joyful. I want to know what it feels like to be free.. free from the burden of what everyone else expects and desires of me. I want to be myself, uninhibited by anyone or anything. I want to die fearless.  But this morning, I thought, I am not ready to die. I am NEVER going to be ready to be in a state of nothingness. But at least it is nothing to fear- death. I know God does not take pleasure in my dying. That was never his intention... He wanted me and you to live forever. Stupid Adam messed it up, lol. Just kidding! It was the Liar.

What I know about Women...

What I Know for Sure About Women
By Mark Leyner

1. Even little girls, in all their blithe, unharrowed innocence, have a presentiment of sorrow, hardship, and adversity...of loss. Women, throughout their lives, have an intrinsic and profound understanding of Keats' sentiments about "Joy, whose hand is ever at his lips Bidding adieu."

2. This sage knowledge of, and ability to abide, the inherently fugitive nature of happiness somehow accounts for the extraordinary beauty of women as they age.

3. Women have an astonishing capacity to maintain their equilibrium in the face of life's mutability, its unceasing and unforeseeable vicissitudes. And this agility is always in stark and frequently comical contradistinction to men's naïvely bullish and brittle delusions that things can forever remain exactly the same.

4. Women are forgiving but implacably cognizant.

5. Women are almost never gullible but sometimes relax their vigilance out of loneliness. (And I believe most women abhor loneliness.)

6. In their most casual, offhand, sisterly moments, women are capable of discussing sex in such uninhibited detail that it would cause a horde of carousing Cossacks to cringe.

7. Women are, for all intents and purposes, indomitable. It really requires an almost unimaginable confluence of crushing, cataclysmic forces to vanquish a woman.

8. Women's instincts for self-preservation and survival can seem to men to be inscrutably unsentimental and sometimes cruel.

9. Women have a very specific kind of courage that enables them to fling themselves into the open sea—whether it's a new life for themselves, another person's life, or even what might appear to be a kind of madness.

10. Women never—no matter how old they are—completely relinquish their aristocratic assumption of seductiveness.

And here is one last thing I know—and I know this with a certitude that exceeds anything I've said before: that men's final thoughts in their waking days and in their lives are of women...ardent, wistful thoughts of wives and lovers and daughters and mothers.

Mark Leyner, a husband, a father, a son, and a brother, is the author of eight books and a co-writer of the movie War, Inc.

I loved her fiercely..

I loved her fiercely... A line I am thinking about from the ending of For Colored Girls. I wish there was a man who loved me... really and fiercely. I know, plenty of people love me. God loves me and so does Jesus. My mom loves me, and my dad, and my sister and brother... But I mean a romantic kind of love... Not obligatory or heavenly... but a lover's love.

What am I doing? Why am I waiting? Everything is yours to be taken, including me. I have been taken- in so many ways.

All I want is to want nothing. Not you. Not us. Not an answer. Nothing. I am so tired. I am so tired I can't cry. No more left inside me. So tired.

In need of a pick-me-up

What I like most about this is that it's just for me. No one is following my blog space, and I like it this way. It's a place for me to express my thoughts immediately. Sitting at my desk, when I feel what I feel, I can just write it out.

Today, I woke up so sad. I had tears coming down my face. But I turned on my music in the car, listened to a couple of sad songs, and then I felt better. So many people love me and I should tell them I love them back.

Anyway, I need something to lift my spirits. Just to make me feel up again. I'm officially searching for my joy. That happiness I had in the midst of everything. I miss school. I miss my friends, my real friends, and my family.

Some day, I want to marry someone and have lots of babies, and grow my own food in my own soil, and be good to all people all the time. I just want to be at a place where I am ready to give again. Where I can truly say there is something left inside of me. Today, there is no song in my heart, but I will sing anyway.

PS: Even my song ain't got no spunk today. It's just a squeak. BUT I AM HERE.

My world is falling apart. I loved you more than I loved myself- and that was the problem. Right now, I am hurting beyond anything I have known, especially because I feel I have lost so much, so greatly. "When you lose, don't lose the lesson." That's the comment of a very wise person. What are the lessons for me to learn here?

In relationships, I tend to lose my values in an attempt to compromise.
Unfortunately, I am in love, so breaking up hurts. I'm not sure when or if it will get better. I feel empty inside, and nothing, not even the sunshine can lift me out of this pain.
I try to look forward to my future, prospects of loving someone else, prospects of finding a love that is true and kind, and respectful, and honest, and loyal, and faithful... But when I do think of this, a knot wells in my throat, tears come to my eyes, and I feel sick because in my future, all I want to see is you.

I keep thinking of past offenders, people who have hurt me before; None have hurt me as deeply as you.

I feel numb. I'm just trying to drag myself through the days. All I want is to lay on my couch or bed until all the pain goes away. I just want the pain to go away.