I popped my damn tire!

Driving back to work after a session with Anne, and I was so deep in thought about a little seed she planted that I turned too late and slit a hole in my tire on the curb. Damn!

So what sent me reeling? Well, I had been doing pretty well in therapy. Six visits in 8 weeks- I missed one for the holidays and another for a endoscopy and colonoscopy (yes, at age 28).  So, there I was, looking up at the sky, thinking about how it doesn't get dark at 4:30pm anymore, and that it was so nice to see blue up there while I waited for 5:45pm. I went inside thinking about the progress I had made and how easy these meetings were becoming. I went inside planning to talk about how I started bawling earlier this week because you said signing up for the RAD class would be a good way to lose weight.  I planned on talking about how insecure I feel about my body. That was the plan, but it got all sidetracked because Anne asked me something, and while I can't remember the question, I remember my answer: "Because I don't trust him."

I don't either. Anne asked if I thought you were still intimate with her, and I said that is always at the front of my mind.  I am always worried that Kareem is sleeping with Tamika.  I understand that having a child brings two people together in a way that I may never understand... Or do I?  But in any case, I cannot understand why he is so emotionally fueled by this woman.  Every step she makes he must mirror.  If she dates, he has to date.  If she goes to Jamaica, he has to, even though neither one of us can really afford it.  So why bug out on her about Atlanta? Who cares?  And then, to hear you say that if Tamika were to get married, it would hurt you... as if that was supposed to just roll off my back.

Crying so hard my throat closed up. Like these tears come from some place deep down. My head is screaming, "I hate you!" For all the wrongs you have done to me, I hate you. And it's only because of the fact that your life is a blessing from God that I can find any respect for you in my heart.

So, that seed was planted. Story of my life...

Reflecting on Love and Life

Reading over my postings brings me back to each moment, the raw emotion of that time. It doesn't matter how long ago it was. Still feels the same...

When I think about my life, I realize that I am not as intelligent and wise as people may say.  Sure, I give good advice, but the wisdom I wish I possessed is something you cannot gain from man alone. I owe all of my success to every ounce of God in me.

I do wish that my life were different.  I wish for peace and rest.  I wish for a place to stop and look out at the flowers with no worries.  No fears.  I wish to know that I am loved.  Rather, I wish to understand the value of being loved truly. I wish I knew what this meant and I wish I wasn't afraid of never knowing what this means.

I love hard and I am no longer ashamed of that.  But do I love stupid?  Do I love you stupid?  Reminds me of a line from a song... "You loved me crazy. I lost my mind.  You're everything I ever wanted and all the things I didn't need.  This 'ain't how I wanna be."

I need therapy.

Workin' on it.

Got your message and...

I wasn’t expecting you to say what you did, but I respect your thoughts nonetheless. I think you see my unhappiness as being bigger than it is. All I have wanted (since getting to know you in 2009) was to be your girlfriend. I remember being at Penn and thinking, “Why doesn’t Kareem make me his girlfriend?” I had no idea what was going on between you and Tamika at the time, but once I learned the truth, it all made sense.

But what hurt was knowing that you were willing to break up with me and not tell me she was pregnant with your child. If I had not asked you when I did, would you have ever told me? I remember you saying, “Maybe our worlds just can’t be. I hope that one day, my kids can play with your kids, but for now, our worlds can't be.”

Even when you told me how she got pregnant, you said you slept with her so that she wouldn’t feel as if things were different between you after she saw the postcard I sent. So you denied me to her, and told her I wasn’t your type. Do you know how hard it was to hear Tamika confirm this? You told me you slept with her to protect me because she threatened to hurt me. And all I keep thinking is why did you stay with her, and if you weren’t sure about you and her, why bring me into it? I felt like I was just a piece of ass to you. I felt like you made assumptions about me being a slut and wanting to go to grad school to fuck a bunch of guys because I had been stuck in a bad relationship. I felt as if you used this to justify lying to me and continuing to sleep with me and Tamika at the same time.

Still, I trusted you. I trusted that you cared about me. I believed in you only to learn a year later that you had still been sleeping with her. And to learn from no one else but her! What I still don’t understand is why you led me on? She beat you at your job, called me to tell me to back the fuck off, to tell me that you were in her bed at night while you were telling me you were just there for your son… the same line you have been telling me lately. Little did I know, you were sleeping with her still. 

You tried to explain that when you have a child with someone it creates a bond an that the bond confuses how you feel for the person. Those confused feelings led you to go back to her over and over again.

Truth is, it's SUPPOSED to be that way. Having a child should bond you to someone! Idiot. Don't you get it? It's the creation of a life! A life that did not ask for your dumb shit to pollute its world further. Selfish bastards.

I thought about what you said...

... and I apologize sincerely about the things I said that hurt you. I don't want to make you feel as if I place no value on the time we spend together or the sacrifices you make for that to happen. What bothers me is feeling like in order for me to have time with you, it is at the expense of your time with Khalil.

I don't like feeling as if I am a backup plan, or an option for you when Tamika has something to do or you are upset with her. No, this isn't the case all the time, but when it happens, it makes me feel like crap.  Maybe I am misunderstanding you, but at times, it feels like you are happy to hang out with me if it will help you feel like you got one-up on Tamika.


I know you think I should just be grateful that we spend time together at all.  Maybe you think I am just complaining and negative. I can understand that. But I am trying, just like you, to do the best I can given the situation. I'm not able to handle every day with all my patience, all my grace, and all my forgiveness. Some days, I am angry with you. Some days, I feel cheap and used and stupid for giving myself to you. Sometimes, I feel I will never be good enough for you. 

What I was trying to get across is not that I feel you aren't there, but that I don't like when you aren't there because of Tamika. To you, that comes off as me saying that I don't like it when you are not around because of Khalil. To you, sending me to voice mail when I call you and you are visiting Khalil at her house is not about her, but about him. In other words, if  you click on me, I should understand that it's because you are spending time with your son.  I guess, then, why not be consistent?  Why not do the same when you are at your house with him?  Why can't you get that it isn't the same, and that once you add Tamika into the picture, things change?

I want to make clear that I have never asked you, and never will ask you to pick me over your family. I get that you need to be around Tamika to see your son, and that's the bottom line. 

From my end, I don't trust Tamika. I am afraid of what will happen when you are around her. But at the end of the day, you have to be because she is the mother of your child. I don't ever want to come between that, and it feels horrible to hear you say that when you are around me, you can't call your son, or that in order to see me, you can't see him. I don't want you to have to live your life stuck between two worlds at all. You should be happy and focus on your family.

I hope you get that fresh start you want so badly.

Ain't it funny?

Now how about this for irony:

A few days ago, I learn that my boyfriend finds out that his baby mama was cheating on him with some man named Clinton while HE was cheating on ME with her. HA! Ain't that some sh*t? And this ninja had the nerve to be mad at her? When he was cheatin' too? And had the audacity to tell the new man, Clinton, that she was with them at the same time! Now if he don't care who she dates or what she does, why the hell is he all in her business like that? Does he really expect me NOT to think that he still wants Tamika? Damn. FUCKED. Literally.

Anyway. I am tired of feeling lied to. Every time he opens his mouth, I can tell he is trying to process what he should and should not say to me. It's sickening because I know that I only get bits and pieces. And something tells me that if I were to see Tamika right now and ask her when she slept with Kareem last, she would not say October 2010. To be real, I know in my heart that he hasn't stopped. If he had, why the hell did he get so mad when he saw a picture of Clinton's dick on Tamika's phone?  Furthermore, why the fuck was he even touching her damn phone so much in the first place? Damn, you had your brother googling area codes and whatnot! Why? And every time I ask this, all he can say is that Tamika had other options. In other words, why was she with me at my parents house for Christmas when she could have been with her man?  Hmm. Maybe she was with you because ya'll are still fucking!!! Shit, you already knew all about Clinton and even suspected they were sleeping together a long time ago. So why the fucking shock? Really. And you needed this to happen before you actually took seriously the possibility that you and her are broken up? Really?  Again, am I supposed to think you weren't at the least fucking her?

The bitch don't even know I'm around and I should feel happy about this because I don't have to dodge her? Uhh.. Last time I checked, you two sit on the phone, you trying to make the conversation about the kids, her trying to be your little side-kick, and me sitting there twiddling my thumbs looking like Boo-Boo the fool.  And I know when I am not there, you are too much of a pussy to actually make her understand that it is ONLY about the kids. You two shoot the shit like best buddies and then you wanna smile in my face like I shouldn't feel some type of way. Hell no. I can't anymore. We need to back this shit up. Let's just be friends. 

I sit in silence, always. I won't anymore. Time to get motherfucking loud.

Seriously, I just feel like I was used to make him feel better because that bitch was being a fucking bitch (in heat all the damn time.) So, you like me when Tamika is mean to you, and you want to marry me all of a sudden now that you know Tamika is capable of being just as vicious and malicious as you have been. So yea. I'm supposed to take you seriously.

How 'bout he says, "I think I just need to buy the ring, and then it will all be real to me." So basically, you're all set to buy a ring and THEN decide on who's finger you would like to place it.. BTW, this must be the same damn ring you told me you put down on.  Remember that? Oh yea, that's right. You only said that because you were cheating on me and you wanted me to think you really cared for me.  Yea. He told me that in bed. He also told me he would never have sex with Tamika again because she was only out to trap him with another baby. He told me THAT WHILE he was inside me, in bed. Yep. That's just what I am. Fucked.

So' while I feel sorry for all the people who have ever had to find out the person they love(d) is cheating (lying) to them via sextmessage, I cannot say that I feel much of anything anymore.

He's even told me that it's okay for us not to have sex.

Honestly, I think we both know that we shouldn't be together right now. Honestly, I can't even say I am in love. I love him, but more like a friend now. I can't be in love with someone who just isn't there for me. He's too wrapped in Tamika, her hurt-ass feelings, her mother-f*cking stupid antics and her pitiful begging/ threats.

I am angry right now. So Kareem, if you ever read this, you need to understand that I really think you are dead-wrong yourself. Understand that I do not take your talk of marriage to anyone seriously. Understand that I don't deserve what you give, but that I do deserve more. Understand that this shit is not a pity-party for you OR me. I DO NOT NEED ANYONE TO FEEL SORRY FOR ME. And frankly, I am done feeling sorry for you. Now, bitches, do somethin' about it. I know I will.

Twisted

This is twisted... why am I still chasing my tail?

Rolling in the Deep- Adele

I'm angry today and you're gonna pay!


"Rolling In The Deep"

There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch, and it's bringing me out the dark
Finally I can see you crystal clear
Go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your ship there
See how I'll leave with every piece of you
Don't underestimate the things that I will do

There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch
And it's bringing me out the dark

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

Baby, I have no story to be told
But I've heard one of you
And I'm gonna make your head burn
Think of me in the depths of your despair
Making a home down there
As mine sure won't be shared

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside of your hand
But you played it with a beating

Throw your soul through every open door
Count your blessings to find what you look for
Turn my sorrow into treasured gold
You pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow

(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
We could have had it all
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
We could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
It all, it all, it all
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

We could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
And you played it to the beat
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

You could have had it all
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)
Rolling in the deep
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)
You had my heart inside of your hand
(You're gonna wish you never had met me)

But you played it
You played it
You played it
You played it to the beat.