I popped my damn tire!

Driving back to work after a session with Anne, and I was so deep in thought about a little seed she planted that I turned too late and slit a hole in my tire on the curb. Damn!

So what sent me reeling? Well, I had been doing pretty well in therapy. Six visits in 8 weeks- I missed one for the holidays and another for a endoscopy and colonoscopy (yes, at age 28).  So, there I was, looking up at the sky, thinking about how it doesn't get dark at 4:30pm anymore, and that it was so nice to see blue up there while I waited for 5:45pm. I went inside thinking about the progress I had made and how easy these meetings were becoming. I went inside planning to talk about how I started bawling earlier this week because you said signing up for the RAD class would be a good way to lose weight.  I planned on talking about how insecure I feel about my body. That was the plan, but it got all sidetracked because Anne asked me something, and while I can't remember the question, I remember my answer: "Because I don't trust him."

I don't either. Anne asked if I thought you were still intimate with her, and I said that is always at the front of my mind.  I am always worried that Kareem is sleeping with Tamika.  I understand that having a child brings two people together in a way that I may never understand... Or do I?  But in any case, I cannot understand why he is so emotionally fueled by this woman.  Every step she makes he must mirror.  If she dates, he has to date.  If she goes to Jamaica, he has to, even though neither one of us can really afford it.  So why bug out on her about Atlanta? Who cares?  And then, to hear you say that if Tamika were to get married, it would hurt you... as if that was supposed to just roll off my back.

Crying so hard my throat closed up. Like these tears come from some place deep down. My head is screaming, "I hate you!" For all the wrongs you have done to me, I hate you. And it's only because of the fact that your life is a blessing from God that I can find any respect for you in my heart.

So, that seed was planted. Story of my life...