... and I apologize sincerely about the things I said that hurt you. I don't want to make you feel as if I place no value on the time we spend together or the sacrifices you make for that to happen. What bothers me is feeling like in order for me to have time with you, it is at the expense of your time with Khalil.
I don't like feeling as if I am a backup plan, or an option for you when Tamika has something to do or you are upset with her. No, this isn't the case all the time, but when it happens, it makes me feel like crap. Maybe I am misunderstanding you, but at times, it feels like you are happy to hang out with me if it will help you feel like you got one-up on Tamika.
I know you think I should just be grateful that we spend time together at all. Maybe you think I am just complaining and negative. I can understand that. But I am trying, just like you, to do the best I can given the situation. I'm not able to handle every day with all my patience, all my grace, and all my forgiveness. Some days, I am angry with you. Some days, I feel cheap and used and stupid for giving myself to you. Sometimes, I feel I will never be good enough for you.
What I was trying to get across is not that I feel you aren't there, but that I don't like when you aren't there because of Tamika. To you, that comes off as me saying that I don't like it when you are not around because of Khalil. To you, sending me to voice mail when I call you and you are visiting Khalil at her house is not about her, but about him. In other words, if you click on me, I should understand that it's because you are spending time with your son. I guess, then, why not be consistent? Why not do the same when you are at your house with him? Why can't you get that it isn't the same, and that once you add Tamika into the picture, things change?
I want to make clear that I have never asked you, and never will ask you to pick me over your family. I get that you need to be around Tamika to see your son, and that's the bottom line.
From my end, I don't trust Tamika. I am afraid of what will happen when you are around her. But at the end of the day, you have to be because she is the mother of your child. I don't ever want to come between that, and it feels horrible to hear you say that when you are around me, you can't call your son, or that in order to see me, you can't see him. I don't want you to have to live your life stuck between two worlds at all. You should be happy and focus on your family.
I hope you get that fresh start you want so badly.
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